mot de manda

a question that i hope i can answer it right upfront besides the thousand reasons i have :

- today, the guy close my LAB, how i can produce my small stent.

- feel down after checking my bank account. gosh, i need free and automatic top-up machine

- i can’t stop myself from surfing…

- since it’s weekend, shouldn’t i relax?

then why not in the past few weekdays, Manda?

- daytime i cant be bothered by this

- night time is sleeping time

- even i tried, i have been and am really tired

- i only have time to switch on my laptop, open the ms word, solidworks n it’s already the bedtime

- and my laptop is too small;

- i had to accompany my visitors, of course.

- i always chat with you guys…(no, no, i enjoy it =))

- you gave me interesting pages to read (hint: Datta, =p!)

- i have to watch gilmore girls

- i just can’t, i have nothing in mind, i have nothing to write..

- my brain keeps telling me nothing to write….

no, no, it’s just me trying and dreaming to get my FYP done without doing it.

see the title? it sounds like i have too many choices that i am confused which one is the good one, doesn’t it? hehe, it’s not!

making a choice had been a very difficult thing to me. but now, it’s been not in the first thing i can’t do. getting better and better i can say. last question i had, ‘is it the matter of life that you hardly choose?’. *blush* it’s not… i told the person everything and the helps went in =). thank you.

that’s settled. but again, as it’s not about the whole life that i had, and as normal life will have a lot of things, new things come up to me. and i am stuck stop a while to think these new things. i like the way how they speed up coming to me. it’s so perfect. i can’t ask better timing, enough to delay my FYP =p.

anyway, i am thinking over and over again about this. i do realize that our lives is decided by all the choices that we have made. the consequences are ready to soak in right after the decision or maybe later without any notice. consequences might not always be the cases. we do have positivities. always.

but when a concern arise, it remains as it is. and yet, it is true with the facts all around us. for me, i just try to change my stand and stay there to make myself see it from that way.

but like i always do believe, no one could choose the things for you. it has to be you. for me, it has to be and can only be myself who decides.

a quote from ugly betty "if this is the life you have chosen, i have no interest in knowing you". this is the risk of a decision that one’s made.mine has not that big impact i guess.

i do want to write a proper piece, but i can’t.. FYP is waiting *sigh*

i do want to thank mom n dad for being supportive as always. i am surprised and yet happy. as i wrote before, i will first make sure that things will work out for me, then for everyone. =)

everyone just finished their lunch and yet keeps talking about the table topic of the day. chit chat here n there, laugh to your right n left. no one moves yet, they are so keen to wait about the dessert. but, no one can start until the boss come.

while waiting, the youngest girl asked the lady sitting next to her, what are so special about today that we have a cake? "well, we’ll always have cake for any reason. when one stops buying food from his favorite stall, then we got a cake" she said.

as soon as the boss comes, the cake is out. when the glass in front of the youngest is replaced by the cake. then the youngest know what’s so special today. it’s definitely not for compensation for one doesn’t have his favorite food.

-the end-

that makes my heart beat faster

that makes me think how to keep my pride

that makes me rethink on the plan

that invites breeze in my right hand

that you told me how to deal in the email

that makes me feel my cold heart

that not let me understand the condition

that makes my brain freeze today

that i still don’t know how to deal with

that’s just still here…juggling and lying here down beneath

that demands for an answer from the heart

but cold and selfish heart doesn’t know what to give as an answer…

is it from one of my prayers in the past? i just realized.

rythm that always been repeated during Yoga :

you are not thinking about past..

you are not planning about future..

your mind is HERE and NOW.

every breathe that you take, will let you feel the moment and live on it.

how active the mind, but not reactive is the measure. be in the state because it’s perfect.

I just got back from field trip to Singapore General Hospital. After one hectic week, finally i went out for something different.

Well, this trip reminds me of our small trip to L’Hôpital de Compiègne when we were shown MRI and USG. We tried to be the patient that time.

Ok, this time is slightly different, coz we were looking at those radioactives. Those scanner with gamma ray. So called more advanced technology that we can see our organ, bones and find what can be done after.

We first started with those chemical labs where the "radioactive tracers" is made and prepared. These tracers will be introduced to our body by oral or injection and will be shown in the screen in form of image. There are a lot of methods and types, depending on which part you want to be projected. Ok, i am not too sure about it as im not sitting in the class, so do tell me if i understand the concept wrongly =p.

There was a huge room, he said, which we can’t go inside. With a very thick door (3feets) and wall to maintain the heat. It’s for bombarding those positron, something to do with cyclotron.

Then we saw the real patients in the process of scanning. There were two elders, diagnosed for the bone and parathyroid.  There were a lot of new info that i didn’t understand at all about the dots in the image and son on so forth.

Back to the preparation lab, one new thing I can easily absorb, coz it’s unique to me.. They cooked the radioactive tracers into french toast! It does smell good. They said, having all the tracers well-spread in the eggs that cover the toast, we will get better image result. Yummy yummy, it’s no longer those bitter medicine like.

It seems to be fun working there… Be exposed to radioactive? Why not… They even said, there’s a research found that low level of exposure to radioactive will make us have lower risk of cancer compared to those never been exposed to radioactive. It’s like self-immune system that will defend our body when we are started to be infected by virus. But when it’s too much virus, then you fall sick. SO, here, it’s the same concept.

Low or high level, we can check how much we are exposed to it. We can check by ourselves, then if we exceed the safetly level, which won’t happen in most of the cases, we will have 3 months paid-leave. It sounds even better….  Another thing they mentioned, it’s not always the case that those dealing with radioactive material will have high level of radiation. One founds that a pilot who flew over atlantic ocean even has higher exposure compared to the lab-workers. It might because of the depleting ozon. 

JK proposed then why don’t we purposely expose ourselves to the optimum level of radiation, then we might not get cancer..

in the middle of work, ini lho benderanya timor leste… buat orang yang belum tau seperti gw =p

hectic hectic on the wall, what flag is that on the picture?

just realize how MUCH consideration we should take into before publishing a proper document. to look what flag in the picture!?!?

yup, manda keeps mumbling, typing and searching… hehe…

working over nothing

- to be healthy

- to slim down

- to practice marathon

- to build up stamina

- to avoid those dislikes

- too afraid to face the fact

- too angry as a way to get over negative feelings

- to kill time

- to keep one preoccupied

- to feel the breeze of the wind

- to meet other runners

- or simply just to find reason why do others run

** starry night **

"Curiosity kills the cat" is one thing that may be right in one angle of perspective. It might be right that our curiosity will bring us a tons of problems. But it’s not always be the case. I believe that curiosity will help us in the way on finding and surviving our lives. Coz, everyone expects to have answer in the end of the curiosity.

My version is "curiosity sure kills the cat, but not the researchers". Yes, we are a researcher to our own experiment, our own life. At the initial stage of experiment, we will start with an idea/theory which we will provide several questions to develop the ideas according to our interest.  I found it to be similar to life, when we were as young as toddlers, we had soooo many questions to be posed. That’s how curious we were when we started to be researcher. Along the way, we might have lesser question and curiosity for we already master how to lead a life and can answer our own questions by ourselves.

But i do think we still need curiosity throughout the project. If not, we could be halted in the middle of our project (like FYP =p) and not moving anywhere. The difference is the level of the curiosity and the way to express it. Knowing more things, i am sure we are smarter and more creative in getting our objective. Our entusiasm to the experiment will let the curiosity to still be on the air.

Yes, our lives will bring us to final line someday. And it’s not due to curiosity. It’s an answer for everyone even one without question.

One thing I personally often forget, my experiment is not over yet. Since I am still expecting good and reliable result at the end of my experiment, I do think I still need the curiosity. I have to learn from others and You.   For I am not a cat and I am a researcher of my life, my enthusiasm to it is shown by my curiosity and the perception of every answer to it.

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. [ Albert Einstein (1879-1955)]"

Seminggu kemaren manda seneng banget. Senin-Jumat ngider ngider di NTU, tanpa harus mengerjakan FYP atau pusing dengan subject. v^^. Bukan karena ga ada kerjaan gw jadi seneng. Tapi karena tiba2 gw amat sangat tertarik sama suatu hal. N after decided to go for it, everything comes like easily.

Dengan waktu yang terbatas, bukan karena disengaja. Tapi taunya dan menjadi tertariknya aja yang terlambat. Alhamdulillah, gw bisa mengurus semuanya just in time. Those people helping me, in their busy time - nothing i could say except THANKS! Agak sempat kecewa dengan diri gw sendiri, karena when i do my part, i felt that i haven’t put my best effort into it. Hehe.. kebiasaan jelek deadliner! If someone is that lucky to get whatever he wants, it might not be the case when it’s a deadline-prepared thing.

Somehow, mudah2an bener, ngeliat semua kemudahannya gw merasa senang sekali. Kayanya, it’s my fate. Huhuhu.. We’ll see. Agak berat dengan ke-kurangsetujuan my mom. All what she said is extremely right. I know it is. But, for time being, I think that will be the best for me. And simply, WO YAO. Jadi, maaf ya mam for suprising you… i have tried n we’ll see whether it works in February. And after, i’ll find how to make it works for everyone.

One week flies, and i do feel happy about it where i can try to get and realize my dreams =). For every effort i have put in, small thing or response can make me extremely happy. I should say I am proud of myself as I didn’t feel upset about any obstacles I found in between the easy things. Alhamdulillah. Let’s pray for the best outcome.